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Chavah ("Little Raccoon") bat Sarah
qilora
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Chavah ("Little Raccoon") bat Sarah [userpic]

Heather: okay you start...
Jules: oh..um.. you were a very pretty girl and--
Heather: you met a lot of pretty girls.. i saw Zora, she's a keeper (sips, eyebrow up)
Jules: it doesn't make any sense... (makes full brow, a little thoughtful, a little guilty)
Heather: tell me, whatever we say over coffee is sacred, hush hush..(sips).. its like sub-rosa..

Jules: (quick) your eyeglasses were ugly.
Heather: (eyebrow up, again)...... okay.
Jules: its this weird feeling i had when i saw you... like everyone could look at you as you strut thru the stores all day running errands, & think you look so brave, head up & this expression of 'no one can hurt me' all the while your blouse is buttoned up to squeeze your throat & wearing glasses that are black rimmed & may have been modern for a librarian in the 50s--

Heather: i'm NOT a librarian... (talks into her mug).. i'm a paralegal...
Jules: *smirks*

Chavah ("Little Raccoon") bat Sarah [userpic]

baby has a cold :( *sigh*... won't let me put her down at all... i can tell (fingers crossed) she's going to sleep early tonight... poor baby is *so* cranky, its all she can do to just pout in my arms & then weep like her heart is broken (which breaks my heart!), all i can do is ask her whats wrong, & sing shh-shhh, & sing her name ... *sigh* :(

as for my other babys, Hadassah is fine, walking around the house in her "listen to me! watch me!" attitude, feeling a little indignant that all my attention is tied up in my infant... but she knows that she is reading the Tzefardi & Karpad: Chavrim book to all the family tonight, before bed-time... (just waiting for her Abi to come home from his cuz, up the street)... won't read the book to just me, her sisters & brother, NO can't have that ;)

ugh, i'm goin to go rest now (& sing to baby)...
Shabbat Shalom, everyone ♡
- Ulla.

Chavah ("Little Raccoon") bat Sarah [userpic]

i have some time... when i can't work, i can only look out the window & think...

will talk a little about "life"...

i was thinking a little about waking up from the brain surgery & feeling so different... i was convinced i was obsessed & living as nothing but a big ravenous shaking nefesh.. nefesh that was living in a nearly blinded body, who would JUMP at a pin drop, could smell food hundreds of feet from me, who clawed through its home inch by inch... the months i survived, were Hell.

kept all of this hidden from everyone. and i repeat, i kept this HIDDEN... because i thought my best opportunities were secrecy... to be about me me me, & trust no one.

my ruach begged to differ, but at least convinced me to fake a smile & *always* talk in a sweet voice, be polite, & if i HAD to pull back from them at least offer my apology (for suffering from a swollen/throbbing brain?) that i didn't feel well, could keep a sense about them/me well enough to keep its cool..

but where was the neshama? i was lost (enough!) that i was convinced to not HAVE one... i know, how strange to think such things... but neshama, knew well to stay off to the side, if it so much as BRUSHED itself into me, i would drop dead in an instance to rush myself into it, faster than you could say: לילה טוב...

but it snuck into sight, briefly.. started to peek into my dreams... have seconds here & there, when i was overcome by this lovely sensation of "oh my G-d... i am *me*.... I AM ME!!" then *whoosh* the feeling was gone.... feeling empty, but at least encouraged to allow nefesh be obsessed with licking my wounds, because no every part of me was lost from this Universe... i just needed to be patient.

it brings to mind an analogy living as a worm ;) (i love worms)....

i see myself twirling around the dirt/food... and its the nefesh that has control of the body, at least gets me to *walk* across the room, to *pick up* a glass of water, or (talking as wormie-dude) i must dig.. I MUST DIG MORE! digging forward & up.. moving in spirals... while my ruach connects with other ruachs, discussing which way to go, maybe it should speed up, maybe slow down, condition of the dirt, etc... but would NEVER think to see ruach get its hands dirty ;)

and then flashes in a spark of neshama... pulls open its veil.. suddenly nefesh understands why its crawling.. ruach understands which decision to make..

in my real life i try to be open to the experience as i stir my cuppa tea in the morning, & it hits me as to "what" is drawn into this life (thanks to every part of me) & it alters the temperature of the globe, brings the sensation of peace, feel those closest to me (family, friends, locals) feel them swimming along with me... i sip me tea :) my nefesh doing all it can to keep me in this life, and offers neshama a pathway...

does that make sense? maybe i could make sense another time....

Chavah ("Little Raccoon") bat Sarah [userpic]

going upstairs so early today... i think its because of the rain... walk into the (shared) bedroom, make a spot for myself on his side of the bed (near to the light)... go over to the windows, lift the blinds up to let -- what little sunshine we have -- come fill the room...

right side window is open about 5 in., being propped up with a peg from my inkle loom... and you can *smell* the wet-earthy heavy smell creeping in the room...

i have a fantasy of having a desk/chair against the window, but i haven't even mentioned it to boyfriend (he's obsessed with EMPTY rooms)... have already made up my mind though, once we move i'm going to have to fill my studio with chair/desk/futon, create an escape-den...

i feel sad to think about it too much, because i think its a sign of me pulling away.. though i should realise its just him being "quirky" & Mr. OCD, and this is my coping with it... in his land nothing at all shares space (books in bedroom, etc.)

you can hear birds singing (like they're chatting up a storm) the shower must be ending outside, what a shame...

Chavah ("Little Raccoon") bat Sarah [userpic]

i hate to sit in the living room with the TV on, which i shut off as SOON as he goes to work... prefer to sit upstairs, in bed, staring out the window... at the trees... two of them, don't know their species but they are pretty tall... tall enough that i can't see the sky above them... look out my window & all you can see is the tree...

it started when i was a little girl, maybe when i was 9, i can remember when we moved (again) :( and i was getting used to living in Oakhurst... it suddenly occurred to me that yes, the household had to wake up rather early, but if i woke a little *earlier* than they did i was the only one awake in the whole house... i sat there in perfect silence, hear the wind, hear the faint traffic far away (it sounded like the ocean), hear the crickets... & i made it a ritual to kneel on my bed, & lean on my windowsill... stare out to the East, & wait... watch... the sky was black, and then growing slowly to light blue.. and i saw the sun.

this was very important to me.

i immediately made it my responsibility to observe the sun setting... i sat outside in the backyard, and still sat in the same place every time, quiet, watch my sky grow redder, as the sun set... sitting very still, but peaceful, i was never a child that was just FULL of energy... instead i was most often alone, or just watching other children play... and wonder what in the WORLD they were thinking. ;)

then it occurred to me, one dark morning, that i was not alone.... i could see them, could *feel* them, of every different size, some shorter than me but most of them were oh so much bigger than me... all of them were so slender and standing erect... swaying so so slowly & gently (you almost missed it)... they were the "standing ones"...

at first all i could do was stare at them... but at least they were never insulted by how quiet i am, as a matter of fact they found me curious, but darling... could feel them watching ME as well... they never cease to amaze me: how many leaves do they have? do they *feel* their leaves move? do they get sad when the leaves fall down, to the ground?

i was homeless after a beating, & i ran away from home... i was taken in by a man who then nomadic, following jobs... i was his servant.

i remember feeling empty, and always lost... it never mattered how long we were in a certain area (before packing our things, & finding our new quasi-home) it was almost like i couldn't tell north or south, & i would walk into walls.... & then it happened one day.

i was sitting on the porch, suddenly a tree i noticed... it stood near the trailer... was the *only* tree nearby, but it didn't strike me as "sad"... to be honest, it wasn't sad in the SLIGHTEST...

me: you remind me of a tree i once met.. she had lots of trees & animals around her...
(thought appears suddenly in my mind) "i am loved by my family.. what is alone?"

i didn't know WHAT family i could be imagining... but it got me to thinking... i started to pay attention, & seek out, everybody who was "green" growing in the strangest of places: cracks between cement & a building, creeping up onto the edges of asphalt, swallowing abandoned trucks and cars...

can't explain my train of thought or which thoughts were mine to begin with... but i think i am finally starting to understand what the trees/plants are experiencing all around them (or on TOP of them)... i can look out my bedroom window RIGHT NOW & see the tree, the two of them standing together, so so happy...

i see in my minds eye the grey gloom & doom of the city that i live in, & it has all has become so small to me... i have to remind myself not to become depressed or anxious of the grey, i'm not trapped... i am moving through to the other side... and it is temporary...

Chavah ("Little Raccoon") bat Sarah [userpic]

they carried "Tammy" across the beach, while she screamed in pain/fear.... she was a little girl, only a teen, was her first time... as they got closer to water, they had Tammy walk, is good for her to walk anyway.... one woman took her to the very edge, for some reason Tammy scared to go into the water all the way.... i had a vision of her on almost all sides, i cried cried cried.... feeling sorrow down deep from the bottom of my heart (you don't know how deep) & my joy rose up out of my very body to embrace all of my children.... listen to her cry as she pushed pushed pushed the baby into the ocean.... my tears were salty...

Chavah ("Little Raccoon") bat Sarah [userpic]

but June was "hell" :-/

July was "anxious flashbacks".....

August is "housecleaning".... i think i'm over it, trying to tidy up as much as possible, & sighing at the last bit of dust (brush it under the rug)... think i'm "okay".....

granted, i *do* feel okay even on the worst days, but have moments pass that i feel pretty much happy, & write my way on the Facebook, & then have the glummy-poo-poo hits me, & i go to lay down.... or you have me out of the house & looking at the changing scenery (i become convinced that time IS moving forward), & interact with other people.....

any day now i'm going to get the application to van-services for the city, so fingers-crossed this moves pretty quickly, i'm going to see that it takes me out once or twice a week, shopping & the Tipsy-Teapot.... it'll do WONDERS to my poor brain :-P

Chavah ("Little Raccoon") bat Sarah [userpic]

when i first woke from the surgery i had no concept of words... i tried to use them but apparently i made no sense, although i *did* understand words of people speaking *to* me....

took only a week or so that i got it situated... but i also realized how much i FELT the words... i even now can't listen to conversation and "just listen".... words, "just TV", what another person might be experiencing, i feel/sense/kinetic with the words *before* i find the words to speak...

thoughts are experienced on my body, & smells (oh G-d, so strong) SPEAKS to me... i've been given so many instances of nostalgia, it ain't funny... i think its because i have nowhere to hide, nothing to stare off at... think of it, even someone with full-vision will close there eyes when they want to concentrate on a smell...

have to get used to it...

Chavah ("Little Raccoon") bat Sarah [userpic]

i am a good person.

i go to the bathroom, i wash myself, i dress/undress myself, make/cook any meal that i want, do research/type anything i want to (or play mah jong!), i do all of this by myself.

i have anxiety & nightmares, that have been fading over time.. i am very patient, try to relax & meditate when the rush of adrenaline spills over me, i had brain surgery that took my entire right side (leg & arm) i had to retrain it to be able walk & call my arm into use...

my eyesight is anyones guess... the right half of each eye is blind (kinda tricky) & i can't focus anything close to me (i think it is improving, just have to be patient)

and almost all of the day you find me cracking a joke, and wearing a smile... i will comfort you whenever the moment strikes me, if you were nervous (while i was under operation, vomitted forcibly, reached forward to rub your arm "its okay" before i passed out again) or you were cutting the staples from my head and i started to bleed & you were scared (i reached up to brush your arm "shhh, its okay")...

and i smile.

i am not a GREAT person, but *i* am a good person.

anyone who doubts this, can fuck themselves.

thank you.

Chavah ("Little Raccoon") bat Sarah [userpic]

don't even have to close my eyes... well i guess the same thing happened to me before, with me staring around & i could see things just as clear by my eyes, as i did by my mind... & now when its clear, i know i'm dreaming ;)

and i fall into my dreams *constantly*... just feeling too tired to practise scribbling, too bored, too FRUSTRATED that its only noon (*sigh*)... when my excitement of the day is to make a trip to the kitchen/bathroom (again, *sigh*).... well, there is always online mah jong. :-/

i so often find myself out in a field, a verrrry large grass field that i see the wind pouring through... so much wild flowers, and i hear the breeze, and smell the flowers... i am sitting beneath the tree that i am leaning back against, & hear children singing & laughing... sometimes i am in the identical setting but i am rocking on a bench...

another couple of setting that i find myself in Tibet, the air is *so* crystal clear, and bites my cheeks & eyes with every rush past me... but it is "home" to me... sitting freezing in the snow, or across rocky short grassy leading to a shallow lake....no matter where i am, in the dream, to stare at the mountains, & dream ;)... i can't explain the calm it brings me, when i'm there i don't feel like i *have* to go anywhere...

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