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Chavah ("Little Raccoon") bat Sarah
qilora
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January 2017
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Chavah ("Little Raccoon") bat Sarah [userpic]
i am not a fan of "unconditional love"

i think it is a dysfunctinal concept dreamed up by Xtianity (and their new-age kin) to manipulate people into blind-faith & obedience to authority.

i personally, want G-d to love us conditionally... emotionally-loving us as part of Itself, is a given, no harm in that but let's take the Jewish-mythos angle here,just go ahead and ask the Angels if they are happy with the fact they are so "close" to HaShem that they are unable to act out of free-will and make "heavenly father" actually proud of them?..... sorry, but i'm glad there are "conditions" involved and i have the freedom to fuck up royally... thanks but no-thanks, to the Jezus-freakie-folk, i want my Daddy proud of me for more than the fact that i can read and blindly/unconditionally accept & recite a couple of sentences...

and do you want to "cheapen" something? just go ahead and toss it everywhere... pass those carte-blanche "all is forgiven" & "i love you sooooooo much!" cooing trippy-face mantras to the general public and watch all the words devolve and compost into huge piles of meaningless cliche...

i am a big love-love sort of folk in here.... spreading my beaming smiles and coo-coo to the loved-ones all around me, but i DO try and mind just what exactly i am saying and HOW i express it to people... it would devestate me beyond all belief to realise that my words of love had been so over-used and so random that they lost all meaning to the people who mean the most to me.....

and granted, i think there are many human-experiences that we all slap the same label of "love" onto (for better or worse) and i will admit right now that i am totally at a loss as to controlling my emotional-love for people myself, but i don't really mean the butterflies-in-belly when i tell someone i love them... i can get those sweet little moments of "awe" and Gd-in-all love-loves over much of humanity, but that does NOT mean that i would give them access to my body or possessions and commit to a future-relationship with them....

if i am in a relationship with a friend (even JUST a friend) there are an enormous list of actions that pass back and forth between us, and filter through my mind, swim through my blood, before i hear myself telling them again "i love you".... many many "conditions" involved...

we all have "quirks" as to things like sexual-love/attractedness, and i ain't going to pass judgment on another person's inability to commit to long-term relationship with someone based solely on appearance of face, or sound-of-voice, partner having "innies" or "outties", or even color-of-skin (oh well, it happens) any more than i would pass judgment on Ray Crumb and his boot-fetish.... we can't change our wiring to alter our emotions & sexual-response, not without a HUGE investment of time/energy and commitment (and i doubt long-term success of that sort of thing really)....

there are people who couldn't commit to being with me for any NUMBER of reasons.... a good many of them my own human-failings, and some of them just their own "quirks" that they needed from me that i just honestly could not provide them....

some of those quirks were pretty fucking odd if i do say so myself hahaha ;) a common thread through much of them though was my not adhering (consciously) to common-society's programming of what is "right" to be/want for myself and what is "right" to demand from the world we live in...

i am also basically too damn "whole" and un-needy and it scared off many men who saw our relationship as built on very shakey-ground i.e. i could get up and walk out any minute and how in the WORLD could that be called stable? (mind you, that only scared off the "men" (whether XX or XY), telling isn't it?) and as far as the women i have been involved with, we had much conflict over my not taking "roles" seriously enough... i like "pretty" and sorta-femme women but HATE tons of make-up/perfume/trashy-clothes, and no i did not want to lift weights, lower my voice, and cut my hair short (sorry girls).... but being "fluid" myself(s) again translated as being unstable/unreliable and our relationship being just to fragile... so the "girls" (again, either XX or XY) left me for more "solid" people...

okay, whatever.

i'm not even going to say that none of these people "REALLY loved me" because i don't doubt that they did, in their own way.. but we all have our own needs/conditions in relationships.... no way in fucking hell would i want to be with someone who was "tolerating" me there, just because of their feelings for me, even though i was not at ALL what they wanted in a partner... (been there done that, NEVER again please)

my own feelings aside, know what my conditions are to be with me? i want health.. for myself, my loved ones and this entire fucking planet & Universe... i make my choices for growth, healing and mindful/ethical behavior, every time i so much as buy CANDY in a store i am pondering over all that.... so same goes for my partners in life ("just friends" and otherwise) if someone craves only to be irresponsible and immature, i won't include them in my life, i won't ACT out of my love for them (i.e. let the fucker be lonely, i ain't callin him/her) i do not consciously reward mis-behavior in people, no matter HOW much i emotionally-love them... because when i DO reward that, and help them more-easily stay in that state of take-take-take/exploitive behavior, then i am basically like the spineless-mommy who spoils her child rotten with candy and then looks to the sky when her little girl has a mouth full of rotten teeth and diabetes.... fuck. that.

i am mental in my own ways (for instance, my mother-to-all delusions in here) but that being said, i think that i tend to have non-harmful dynamics with most of the people in my life... i am legally/techinically wrong to feel "i am their mother" to strangers on the street, but my loving each and every friend as "my child" does not diminish them in any way, does not dis-empower them (learning to be "a mother" at 5, meant my "children" were peers (horizontal from me, not above/below by definition, and i NEVER forgot that***)... i do not encourage any sort of self-harmful behaviors, and no matter how dependent our relationships might sometimes begin (i.e. me & my biological little-sisters, me & M, etc.) every single ONE of my adopted-kids learn from me that they are able to live on their own... walk for themselves.. not because i am their "legs", but because i see with my own eyes just what they have inside them and MAKE those little buggers face it too.. they ARE "strong enough".

- e.


*** edit: in all honesty, i probably use/see my use of words like "mother"/"child" with my peers just as they see/use the concept of a "good friend"... a neuro-linguistic quirk of my own (my idiolect), but my "friends" forgive me for it... yes? ;) - e.

Current Mood: (mental)
Comments

I totally get that. My gf's mom says "I Love You" and then does and says the most awful things. I found myself thinking, well, if this is love, it's just not enough to maintain a relationship. Your post fleshes out some thoughts I've been turning over.

your gf's mom is one spooky SPOOKY fuck. no joke. o_O

much power & blessings to you and gf both! yeesh.

Woooot! This is a great essay, you are a genius!!

my brainz fried now though.

must find ice-cream after sun goes down.

I'm fond of what Andrew Vachss says on the subject -- that love is action, not emotion. By that perspective, the way a parent shows they love their child is not by what they say, but what they do. To say it is still important, but it can cause a lot of harm if it is belied by unloving action.

I'm not only not a fan of unconditional love, I don't believe in it. I think all love is conditional, or it's not love. I also agree that love is an action.